I'm growing stronger

I left and overnighted at a couple we know's place, had fun, i just needed a break and they're so supportive...got home, was in major trouble...every time i say something in my defense it's like ammunition against me. So i've stopped doing that anddecided to go on with my life, let him go and not try and 'help' him or so on but it's SO hard to just be quiet coz we still live in the same place and it seems like I still have to just keep quiet to keep the peace...so he takes it as i'm giving in then he says really bad and hurtful things to me and i just have to not say anything...I feel trapped, I can't breathe, I hate feeling this way. I didn't really feel open to b intimate, but i did it and i wanted to kiss and he said 'no', i need to earn his trust again first and i'm thinking wtf? he says he 'tries' to dostuff around the house (but I had to clean the dishes he dirtied while i was away and if idon't give him a satisfactory answer to things (like wen i don't want to give him money-he doesn't work) then he doesn't do anything) so he says he tries then i do something, asmentioned above and i make his walls go up again. Then he says things like u leave me alone at home, i'm angry with you but i don't want to be without you... why does he do this?
he laughs coz i had to write and read to him something that was important to me and if i hav a scared look on my face he goes y do u look at me as if i hit you and laughs to himself and just shakes his head and says huh i'm an abusive husband....
but i'm getting stronger bit by bit, day by day....

Who did he write it for?

I'm just so tired (can hardly keep my eyes open at work-I'm not pregnant,did the stupid test the other day). I think I'm getting the flu again...

So during the weekend we went out and I guess I did something wrong again (buying food is a crime?) and I got the silent treatment the rest of the day...
I came home yesterday only to find that laundry was washed and so on. Only to find out that he actually wanted money to licence the car. When I didn't give a satisfactory answer he didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening. I also found an smshe wrote that said 'You took a part of me with you' I'm still here so it couldn't be for me... who did he write it for?

Pain

why the fuck should i have to go thru so much pain...
if i'm already tryin to escape from years of emotional abuse from various other people, can't i just get a break and not feel any pain during my time of the month?
it's not that it's sore, it's really bad like i can't walk type of pain... i really hate it

at least it's weekend... if my man doesn't crush my spirit again like he's starting to do again, now that i seem 'ok' after the other nite (now i have to distance myself again) then this pain will